Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
