I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
