Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
