my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
