nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
