I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
