I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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