if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
