So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
