Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
