The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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