did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
this is an emotional support booty call
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