Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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