By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
