My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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