that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize