I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
