my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
