The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
