I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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