Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
