i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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