dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
