Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
