They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize