The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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