He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
