I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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