I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
