shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
