You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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