hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize