I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
