I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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