Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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