At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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