i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
