I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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