When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
My bed smells like the plague
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