I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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