mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
