Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
