I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
