I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
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