My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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