Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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