nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
