I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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