Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
