it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I CAN MOONWALK!
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize