gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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