ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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