All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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