I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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