That's when you crack a 10am beer
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
