I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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