I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
